Gemini SZN// Miss Piggy. Twins. Same, but different. Air. Mood Ring. Curious. Open your mind to a new perspective. Open the fucking door. Duality. Alexa play Stevie Nicks. *Also, cue Jupiter to enter Gemini!
I closed out Taurus SZN in Tulum and started Gemini Season rested and ready! Sorry for the delay, dad needed some thinking time.
As an adult I've learned that the sooner you make peace (and find the beauty) with nothing ever stays perfect or horrible, the happier of a life you will lead. This year has started out feeling very gemini to me, something awful counter balanced by something great. Years ago I read a book that changed my life, When Thing Falls Apart by Pema Chodron. The premise is simple, life is always going to ebb and flow, life and death. Without duality, we would never honestly be able to appreciate anything. You have to understand suffering to genuinely feel joy.
This Tulum trip was strange. It felt like a game of test and reward. Extreme heat, the most stunning hotel I've ever seen, Aggressive and terrifying police, insanely kind locals, skin rashes, stunning bird life, stomach ailments, the best food I've ever had in my life and even a seaweed problem
I've been with my partner, Mikey, for 12 years, which is a pretty long time in gay boy years. We have a lot of very similar interests, music, pop culture and our fundamental core beliefs, but where we vary -WE REALLY VARY. I'm a nature boy and he is very much a city person, which is the most simple way for me to explain. For the first time in 12 years we had very different experiences on this vacation. We spent a lot of time doing our own thing so we each got what we needed. The old us would have chosen to ruin the trip, with deflecting and sarcasm, projecting our insecurities on each other and just generally being toxic. However, we didn't do that no matter how hard Mexico was testing us. We chose to communicate and prioritize our separate needs and meet where we could. We ended up having some very deep and beautiful conversations that are going to help us strengthen our relationship going forward. We were kind to each other and GENUINELY cared about what the other person needed.
Now, we grew into this. People always ask me how we stayed together for so long and I always say the same thing. We just always chose to stay. We have been through so much shit together. There have been a few moments we were very close to breaking up. I always knew that above anything, Mikey is my person, my best friend, the one person who I know I can weather any storm with. This doesn't mean that at least once a week I don't fantasize about living alone, and the joy of buying a comforter without anyone else's opinion and then banging my beautiful 26 year old french boyfriend on it. It’s healthy to fantasize, but even healthier to realize that's all that is. A reality without Mikey would be horrible. He’s the Goldie Hawn to my Kurt Russel.
About eight years in we threw away the notion of what we thought a relationship should be. We healed our cuts, treated the wounds and proceeded more carefully moving forward. It has been hard, really really hard at times. We had some very toxic and stagnant years in the early middle, but we didn't just stay put, slowly we grew and continued to grow. Two people rarely meet at the same point in life, each person has their own trauma and joy and expectations. Meeting in the middle isn't always sustainable, you want to run beside each other, because you both started at different places and are going to have to help each other at times when it gets too hard for the other person to do it alone. We had a lot of conversations and prioritized support and respect. We still fuck up, but it’s a lot less. The reason I'm sharing this is because I never hear stories like this. I never hear what it actually takes to survive. I would have just shared photos of an amazing vacation and hid the darker part. Relationships are two people trying to make it alone and together, it's always not easy, but when you find your person it’s worth it.
"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing." -Pema Chodron
SUMMER SKIN FAVORITES
Saie Sunvisor// The sun beats the shit out of your face! Chlorine and salt water do not help a lot either. This product is a GD TREAT for your skin. Sunvisor is a clean mineral non-nano zinc physical sunscreen. There is hyaluronic acid to moisturize and vitamin c to help protect from free radicals. Also, she is REEF SAFE! -Just remember this product is not waterproof so reapply regularly, especially if you tend to sweat a lot. This is my daily and beach sunscreen because a lot of “beach” sunscreens break me out.
Vacation Classic Whip SPF 30// Putting sunscreen on that looks and feels like whip cream is fun and sexy! It smells SO GOOD. The marketing for Vacation gets 100% in my books. Water resistant and Hawaii reef safe! Now here is the thing, I had quite a reaction to this. In fact the rash is just starting to disappear a week later. A lot was happening, it was close to 100 everyday and I want from no sun to a week of sooo much sun. I think my skin was just exhausted, and reacted. My partner had 0 issues and I tried it again at the pool in my building and I had no reaction!
Beekman 1802 Milk Shake// GOD LOVE THIS PRODUCT! It saved my skin on this trip. When I came home burnt and swollen from the beach or pool this would help soothe, hydrate and reduce inflammation. YOu can immediately feel a cooling. I may or may not have used it on my whole body everyday. There is also no smell which I love. 10/10
Cay Skin SPF Lip balm and Lip Mask// The smell and taste are fantastic, tropical but in a low key way you are not being face fucked by a pina colada. ALSO, there is absolutely no crayon taste to SPF balm. I have really really fallen in love with the lip mask, it leaves your lips quenched and hydrated. -Of course Miss Winnie Harlow wouldn't miss the mark! 8/10 the only feedback is I had some issues with the balm applicator, the product would get stuck sometimes which is the only negative I have
Kinfield Natural Golden Hour Bug Spray// Proceed with caution, this product is fabulous but intenses! It's basically all essential oils, the smell is great, but also VERY strong. Great for legs and arms, but I would not put this on sensitive areas without testing first. I feel like it works really well, but I didn't always want to put it on due to the intensity. There are really toxic things in traditional bug sprays so I will continue to use this one. 7/10
257lbs
WELLNESS
I didn’t lose a single fucking pound, I actually gained two. Last month I had a lot going on, a work trip, a birthday and my big vacation of the year. I feel embarrassed even though I know I shouldn't. The crazy part is I tried everyday, but I also self sabotaged every few days and kept throwing myself off course. I just wasn't ready to start. For me things like a vacation or a birthday’s sound like good motivators, but in all actuality it's just another way for me to be hard on myself. I want to make a lifestyle change, not just look good in my overpriced bathing suit. Also I had this aah-ha that If I've barely worked on my willpower muscle, how can I expect it to be strong enough to make it through such emotionally charged circumstances.
BUT, your boy is motivated and back on track! This is hard to write but I want to be completely honest with you guys. There is something inside my head that crumbles every time I deny myself something, be it treats, booze or even sex. I get this exhausting wave of despair that washes over me. I usually run at a pretty upbeat level, I'm not depressed (currently) and my anxiety comes and goes, but If I feel at all that I am restricting myself of things I panic and thoughts spiral. I know once a thought enters my head I will eventually cave and get it. A great example of this is “should we get wine tonight.”
I hate drinking, I have hated drinking for years and have had long bouts of being sober, but wine is such an easy way to “check out” for a few hours. In fact let me just change that to booze is just easier. Generally speaking when I drink nothing bad ever happens, mikey and I split a bottle or two and then go to bed. But the truth is my body hates the effects of alcohol, my anxiety spikes and I feel lethargic, AND it kills my stomach. I've been in therapy long enough to know that I do this because of trauma from my queer youth and I struggle with “boredom.” In a perfect world I would love to get to a point where I only drink on Fridays and Saturdays, and no more than 3 drinks. To a lot of people this probably sounds easy, but to even more people I’m sure you understand how hard this actually is. I downloaded this great app called Reframe to help me, and I set goals and rewards along the way. I've decided this is my first focus on my wellness journey, to reel my casual drinking back in. I will work on eating better when I can and continue to work out along the way, but right now being kind to myself while I cut back on drinking is my only priority in getting healthier.
Personal relationship with alcohol can be very complex and drinking problems can come in all shapes and sizes. You don't have to be a drunk, at rock bottom, need AA to change how you drink. You just have to take your own inventory and decide what's best for you and your future. I by no means want to be sober, but I want drinking to occupy less of my life and less of my metal space. A lot of people keep their thoughts on drinking to themselves and only share on either extreme, like having a blast being wasted or oppositely hitting rock bottom, but there is a whole world between.
What a lovely read. I echo so many things you mention re: relationship with booze, long term relationships, and just being gentle with oneself through it all. Sending love and happy Gemini Season!
What a great share! The truth about the ups and downs and all the hard work of being a long-term couple. Same! 16 Years. Lots of change, lots of compromise, lost of communication.
I too struggle with bettering myself physically. I am working on eating more healthy foods and decreasing my alcohol. I also need to move more... I tend to hold the couch down more than I should. June is my month to pick up the pace in all areas of my life. I'm not getting any younger, and there are things I want to do... so best I get started now. Best to you!