In a world full of people influencing I'm struggling to find where I fit and find inspiration. Coming up on my 40’s I don't see a lot of style that matches my energy at this point in my life.
Growing up I was obsessed with magazines. They were portals from my secluded 52 acre forrest to the center of everything. Even if I couldn't afford anything but one pair of Calvin Klein jeans a year -magazines dressed my mind. I would cut out images and collage them on my wall. I would put on a CD (that cost me 4 hours of work at the outlet mall) and make a ritual of the vibe I wanted to exude. Later we would call this vision boarding but in the 90’s we just called it being bored.
The reason I am writing this is because I had to learn my style from imagination and references, not just scrolling. Fashion trend prediction used to be a science -but now we digest trend so fast that the rules are thrown out the window. We can get sick of a person or a piece of fashion before the above average person is even able to purchase it. Today inspiration is left to an algorithm. I am not monetarily rich, I am not insanely fit, and those seem to be the two main social currencies on my feed. Style isn’t just clothing. To me, style is the outfit blended with the moment and all the interactions that make the memory in your head (smells, songs, fucks, feels.) Taking that potion and adding it to the next day's look is how you develop style.
Am I supposed to follow a TikTok 22 year old who has only known online shopping, free porn and probably hasn’t ever had a magazine subscription? It’s not fair because we have started at different points. Their life experience cant compare to mine and my skin has about 2/3rds more collagen. A lot of those kids are missing the one thing I require, a conscious social cool. That’s what really influences me. Are you kind? Are you charming? Can you hold a conversation longer than a 15 seconds Reel? Can you put that outfit on and make connections, fall in love, flirt? That's where real style develops. I am from a different time, I put in the work to muster my cool. I struggled a lot and sometimes only survived by using my sense of style and natural charm. No rich parents or fancy degrees here. So this makes me feel like I've earned the right to share thoughtful content with people who I think might enjoy it. I will always be inspired by youth but its impossible to dress the same when you have such different stories to tell.
I decided to start this newsletter to share my perspective, memories and personal style. For anyone out there that this resonates with but especially the aging queers and queer adjacants. Living life somewhere between old and young This will be a bi-monthly newsletter where I share a brief experience, thought or memory in essay form and follow with a list of things I'm into. Simple and casual. From products to restaurants to art and creators. The content will be original, thoughtful and honest. It will always be a mix of high and low. I am planning on keeping this free, un-edited and with no ads. There may be spelling and grammar mistakes, because a need for perfection is always what's stopped me in my past. Perfect is boring and nowhere near my brand.
“God Loves you, but not enough to save you” Ethel Cain
READING: In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado. A tale of queer abuse. It's a tough but worth it read. Emotional, raw and realistic set of short stories. There is this amazing choose your own adventure section toward the end that really helps you understand abuse cycles.
DOING: BODE hot yoga, Bob Harper 3:30pm Friday class. it’s church and hell all at once.
WATCHING: Closer on Netflix. To Leslie. The Last of Us on HBO. To Leslie is one of my favorite movies of the year. Andrea Risebourough’s leading actress Oscar nomination was very VERY well deserved. The movie is filmed around a woman trying to clean up her life and face her mistakes.
*one of my favorite photos from Nan’s collection The Ballad of Sexual Dependency
Nan Goldin’s All The Beauty All the Bloodshed. This amazing documentary tells the story of Nan’s life right up to the battle with the art world in regards to the Sackler family. Nan has always been one of my favorite photographers.
DRINKING: A flat white with whole milk from Ralph’s
MISSING: My dad. The smell of film developer on my hands. Making a Valentine’s box
WEARING: Courrèges. Uniqlo U SS23. Dickies Mens loose fit double knee twill work pants.
DREAMING OF: Phoebe Philo’s new brand. Pedro Pascal's naked butt.
LISTENING TOO: Caroline Polackek- Desire, I Want To Turn into You. Lana Del Rey- A&W. Daughter- Be on your way. Ethel Cain- Sun Bleaches Flies. Suki Waterhouse- Brutally
*follow this link for a playlist
REMEMBERING: One time in 10th grade I snuck into a rave in the trunk of a Dodge Neon. I did E and made out with a cute boy in parachute pants. This was the first time in my life I watched the sunrise after dancing all night. I remember on the drive home (in the backseat) we listened to Ani Difranco’s Little Plastic Castles and I had never felt more alive. I just saw on IG that album is celebrating 25 years!!!!
“You were {like} the high school boyfriend I never had” -Bernard
PRODUCTS: Drunk Elephant x Chris Mcmillan shampoo and leave in milk. Youth to the People Kale Cleanser. Lanolips lip balm. Saie Sun Visor SPF. Advanced Snail 96 Mucin Power Essence (best $25 you will ever spend)
SMELLING: Frederic Malle Musc Ravageur Body Butter. Glossier You Candle. Leland Francis Stoner Perfume.
EATING: Soothr. NYC. Thai food. The hot pot was insane.
QUESTIONING: What the fuck is Le Dive and should I go? What even is Dimes Square? Does Cousin Greg own it?
100% yes.
Nan forever!!! I just love you and your taste.